The Love Ego (the origins of this searching mind)

I have decided it is time to begin documenting these thoughts on a non-fleating medium (assuming the not only the internet, but the blogger blogging site remains in tact for the infinite eons to come, and that English never becomes a dead (in tongue, scrit and historic interest) language.

It began with a break down, as self-enlightening journey's often do.  A woman proclaimed to be a best friend and sister to me, opted to help diligently with my career and to to be there for me personally.  Then she got bored and disappeared ignoring my pleas and apologies, though I really hadn't a clue why I was apologizing.  I was betrayed heavily, and broke down.  If imitation is the greatest form of flattery, then being misunderstood and ignored must be the greatest form of anti-flattery.  But I mention the break down because it put me in an interesting place.  Having never been betrayed like that, with such depth and apparent malice, I'd hit rock bottom, and was ready to grab onto anything to lift me out of it.

Atlas Shrugged
At the time I was struggling through the final third of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged which mixed my befuddlement with a random disdain for liberals but taught me something else; do what's right.  Don't do what's right for a 'personal' gain, don't do what's right for 'others,' just do what's right.  This concept is truly manifested in Dagny not giving up on the national railroad system, even when her comrades turn their backs on those they considered to be "looters" and began their own community.   Of course the book goes far beyond that message, really in the wrong direction at times, but the message is there, it's loud and clear, and despite the rest of the book, heed to the message should still be taken.  So I took the female empowerment-esque themes of self-responsibility and attempted to allow it to keep my head up.  It honestly didn't do to much to help with my breakdown, however.  Having only read crimes/mysteries with the random exception of Dean Koonts and Robert Heinlein, I didn't know how to allow books to truly effective my inner being.  Not until the next piece.


Anathem

As I struggled through a pronounced metaphysical emptiness full of random paroxysms of tears and unresolution, a head trip of a book fell into my lap really beginning my journey, Anathem by Neil Stephenson.  An ontological speculative fiction set on planet Arbre, the book centers around Fras and Suurs (similar to monks) who, within their monasteries, instead of expanding upon religious endeavors, seek to expand on intellectual endeavors concerning physics, metaphysics, existence, and physical and social sciences.   In my fatally depressed state my hard pressed philosophies were now a blank open notebook and anything I took in was running ink.  I allowed the book to fill my mind with the questions it wanted me to take from it, such as Many-worlds Interpretation of quantum physics (in short - all possible pasts and futures are real somewhere in the infinite universe) and more importantly the discussions of Platonic Realism (the concept of universal truths -- there are many chairs, be we all have a universal concept of a chair) and it's relation to ethical realism (universal good or right and universal bad or wrong) and the almost antithetical discussion of Mathematical formalism (the idea that all concepts in logic and math have no meaning unless they are given semantics).  How he wrapped all of this into a fiction, I can only praise, but it had to be, or I would never have understood the concepts.

• * The first thing this book made me realize, truly realize, was that I was sitting on a rotating rock somewhere in space, and that when I looked up, I was looking at an infinite expanse.
• * The second was the concept of infinity.  It doesn't mean, a whole lot....a whole lot is finite.  It doesn't mean way more than I can count...way more than I can count is finite.  Infinity is everything.  You can't count infinity...it is only a concept not an actuality since it is imperceptible.  So when riding down the slide of the Many Worlds Interpretation, if one says the universe is infinite, the only gut reaction must be that in an infinite universe, anything that can exist, does exist.  A very fun concept that Heinlein and others touch on.  While reading Anathem, this awesomeness of this concept only hit the surface.  I get into it much deeper later.
• * Universals - If we can perceive the Universal of a "chair" to be a metaphysical concept of what a chair is (thus if someone brought you a desk chair, a dining chair, or even a piano bench you'd say thanks for the chair...but if they brought you a banana you'd politely explain that you cannot use that as a chair) then we can perceive the Universal of good or right.  There's a reason why we all know and love Plato.  Stabbing a human being in the face, verses giving a homeless man a sandwhich...there are ethical universals....the book only slightly touches on this....but I took it and swallowed all facets.

The book was actually a bit too much for my rock-bottom state and placed me in a weird metaphysical cloud, making it tough to think and even sleep as I parried with thoughts of "if I died today....(not would any one even care, but) would I notice? or would my metaphysical being continue onto one of the many infinite tracts that are still alive.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People

A couple months later, as time allowed for me to slowly heal, I got hired by the US Army Corps of Engineers NY District, and on our new employee orientation, we were advised by some of the senior staff to read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." by Dr. Stephen R Covey.  I did.  It's geared toward Business Management and Managers; however, the approach taken is so foundational and fundamental on a personal basis that anyone could gain from it.  He discussed very refreshing concepts that I really needed to hear on a pupilist level.  For instance

•  Habit 1. Be Proactive - Taking responsibility for one's actions.  Saying, even though you did something negative towards me, it's up to me to choose to be hurt by it.  It's up to me to get out of this depression.  It's up to me to turn the other cheek and rise above.  But also, take responsibility for the consequences your actions cause to happen.
• Habit 4. Think Win-Win.  There's no such think as a free lunch.  People only help if it benefits them in some way....so make them see the benefits in helping you for them...and if there are none, make some.
• Habit 5. Seek first to Understand then to be Understood - All life's problems stem from misunderstandings.  People hurt and hate due to misunderstandings.  People only take advice or correction once they feel understood....and once you understand someone, you find they really aren't so bad....usually just misinformed.

These 3 were the most important three, with the first 1 being a heft ultimate and the 5th being a distant but still very poignant penultimate.  Covey gave the example of a woman who nursed an old man who continued to treat her like crap.  Her life was miserable because of this old man, but after reading Covey's book she learned that there was an instant in between his negative actions and her decision to choose how she will react to those actions.  She chose not to let his actions effect her, and how regardless of his attitude, she is happy with herself and her life.  The book very thoroughly engrained self-responsibility and choice into me and truly helped me out of a long lasting funk.  I owe a lot to this book.  Rule 5, came into play very hard later on, but not at the stage of reading it.  Reading it fed me Habit 1 and I integrated it into my life, a paradigm shift of no more blame....only responsibility for my choices, and the understanding that others are responsible for their choices, including the aforementioned woman (who claimed she would help me then disappeared) 's choice to get off on attempting to hurt me.

Power

Several months later as I allowed the 7 Habits to consume yet also embarked upon a study of physics and quantum theories due to Anathem, this book, The Power by Rhonda Byrne, was recommended to me by someone who didn't entirely pan out as awesome, but I took the advice because I was itching for something to put the many truths I was finding into one.  Anything that could better my intellectual, spiritual and ethical plight.  It was like, I knew there was a right answer and that it was infinitely unattainable, but that I was even still too far away to say that with certainty.  I took the book, and though it definitely got kookie at times, it was the perfect remedy to my thirst, as I focused on the non-kooky aspects.

The book talks about the Power of Love.  The power of positivity and positive thinking.  Concepts like...

• Love is not pain, and jealousy or annoyance with a "loved" one....love is positivity and we can actually love complete strangers more than we love our "best friends" since when we see a stranger we give them the benefit of the doubt, yet when we see our "lover" we are already read to jump into negative.
• The book presented the idea of empowerment through gratitude.  That we don't thank others or apologize/forgive others for their benefit, but for ours.  That feeling positivity about something is a personal choice...no one can make you happy but you!  This is in alignment with the 7 Habits. 
• Funnily enough, however, the book also sort of aligns with Anathem.  Rhonda delved into concepts of Many-Worlds when she spoke about how any random dream we want is attainable since the universe is infinite and any possibility that can exist does exist somewhere. 
• She also touched on concepts of how our actions are a projection of our feelings and our feelings are a projection of the amount of "love" or "positivity" within us regarding the thing we are feeling.  Feeling upset, means a lack of love/positivity, feeling jealous is a lack of love, and feeling happy, truly happy, is when there is an abundance of love/positivity.

What I gained the most from the book is that true actual love is unconditional and platonic.  It is a positivity, a warmth, a (for the lack of a better conceptual word) motherly attachment to a child, whereby no matter what the child does, the mother understands it only does bad things due to lack of knowledge, and forgives it regardless.  That is love. 


Alas, my internal, biblical, poetic, musical, religious and metaphysical journey searching for a closer step to "the answer" begins.  The amorphous question being, "what are we truly attempting to attain upon our pursuit of happiness?" "what is knowledge and intelligence, and how does it effect my ability to love and/or forgive" "what is love and why does it make us do stupid things....and does it?" "why do we feel empowered when we do bad things?" and "why do we need to defend ourselves by any means necessary, and seek the company of those we know will comiserate."

I want to be able to automatically commit to the Universal Right at the base pre-decision making level with more strength than any defense mechanism...and I want to relish in the blissful elation such a life would render.  My first attempts at the definition of the Love Ego, and my first steps to attempting to attain it.